Morning Prayer

Give me a second chance, God.

Whatever you think you can send my way, I'm desperate for another shot at it.  You know my mind; you have to know my mind.  

There has been such a disconnect between the things you've sent me and what you seem to think I'm capable of holding on to.

I wonder at times if you even know me, if you even know my nature, or my thoughts, or the parts of me that I feel at times I can't even control, these empty soldiers that rise up in me to fight things, maim and destroy them, that later I end up grieving, and fruitlessly trying to nurse back to life, from death.

I need to hear you better.  I need to trust that there is a you inside of me that is my thought, that is my first instinct, that is my heart, that no part of me is stronger than my desire, and that my desires are ultimately good.  

I don't want to defeat myself again.

You have to come up with a better defense than I can protest against.  

I see what you've set up for me, I see where you've given me second chances and I see how I've been even more blind on this second time around.  I guess what I'm asking for is a third chance, a second second chance.  Please don't lead me to believe that you don't know what is lying underneath the surface of me.  That you don't know what is at the core, what is the well from which these ridiculous waves of fear seem to roll out from.  You have to be something that is all-knowing and all-powerful because you have to teach me to protect me from myself.