Eleven

1.  Peanut butter makes me happy.

2.  It's hard not to see yourself reflected in the world, or with your friends, but especially when you fall for someone.  So many hopes get placed in such a tiny basket.  But it makes me feel worse to think of being apathetic and just going with the first clean, money-making individual you meet.  There has to be a sense of magic, a sense of eternity.  And if you can't see the future in your lover, then you're going to hate yourself in the morning.  

3.  When I think of love, it makes me sad.  

4.  I really hope to get to a point at which I move past this.

5.  I've desired much, and I've desired little.  Desiring much is much, much better.  

6.  I was more creative, and in a greater variety of ways, when I was little.  I wonder why the fuck this ever goes away.

7.  I wish I lived with my little brother and sister at my dad's house, with him and my step-mom.  I feel I got shorted on the little sibling thing but now that I have it, it's not enough to just visit.  I want to feed them breakfast.  Like, every day.

8.  I fall for someone, and I wish that they were a certain way, and am disappointed.  It keeps pulling me back to this: that it's better to be alone, to not compromise myself to anyone, to know that I can swagger down the street and kiss whomever I want, whenever I want, and not have to answer to anyone.  

9.  I used to tell people close to me "Don't express too much to me."  Now I know how painful that is, especially when you're just trying to tell someone you love them, in whatever way you can.  Funny, how it hurts you, to not be able to give.  I never thought it could be that way.

10.  If it's a feeling, then I always get it wrong.  Maybe it's totally rational.  Maybe it's as methodical as perusing a job application.  And if you get along with them well, and maybe if they make you laugh, too, then you just go with it.  

11.  I'm still undecided.