I'm on a tightrope and I keep falling off. I don't understand why, but I keep finding myself back on the tightrope. Sometimes I fall off, sometimes I jump off. But I always end up back on it. And my heart feels just like the guitar chords from the Cars' "Since You're Gone."
Even now, as I'm thinking this, and picturing it, I'm irritated to have to write it (visual of me, in bed, sighing, frustrated, in the dark, headphones on.)
Why?
Cuz it feels so pointless.
This afternoon I was driving down Rand Road and remembered one night, pulling over onto the meridian of this stretch of road, to cry, and cry, at about 2 or 3 am, because I had just left him, and he had said something about not being able to have a lot of time for me, for some reason, something he said he was going to be doing.
In a nutshell, here's my beef with god. I find this man who I fall in love with and live with; we go to a church that tells us that in order to be obedient to god, we cannot live together. I move out, then we break up. Then a year later he kills himself. Turns out us living together - a.k.a. me, keeping a 24 hour watch on him - was the only thing keeping him alive.
Do you see why I'm bitter as fuck?
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