Gratitude and Prayer List (in no order of importance)

1. I am grateful for the chance to come home to my mom and my sister and my two dogs and relax with them.

2. I am grateful for peace of mind about him, and for all the negative thoughts, and the fury and the anger of last night, that filled me to the point of bursting, to have abated, after I prayed about it, and upon waking up this morning.

3. I'm grateful to have woken up in a good mood this morning.

4. I'm grateful that I found the building quickly, and that even though a voice was telling me to turn the other way, and that it was behind me, I kept walking forward and didn't even realize that I was headed in the right direction.

5. I am grateful for possible new beginnings.

6. I am grateful for good feelings and good vibes from new people and new places.

7. I am grateful that typing this out on a computer makes me think about the actual feeling of gratitude a bit more.

8. I am grateful for my sponsor.

9. I am grateful for my dogs, and for how cute and sweet and soft they are, and how excited they always are to see me, and how that love will never, ever go away.

10. I am grateful for my apartment but sometimes I am even more grateful to come to my mom's house.

11. I am grateful that he maybe read some of my last notes, and that he had had enough, and shut me off. I think that's a healthy thing to do, in light of my words. I would probably do the same.

12. So I am grateful to see that I cause a reaction in the world, be it for good or bad, though in this case, it was bad.

13. I am grateful for my friends: Aneeta, Meta, Lila, Mara, the list goes on and on....

14. I am grateful that my mom and Mara said "You have a different look about you, like, that you're not....so....I don't know...angry, or hard on yourself." So I'm glad that that could be seen on my face.

15. I am grateful that peace does not have to come at the expense of inaction, but is further fostered by acting well.

16. I am grateful that there are good feelings about him, in proportion to the good thoughts I think and the good feelings I have about myself, because for a long time, they all seemed incompatible.

17. I pray that one day soon he and I can reconcile. I'm not asking to reunite, but just to have each other in our lives, actively, and have forgiveness.

18. I am grateful for my hair straightener.

19. I am grateful for clean clothes this morning.

20. I am grateful for the clarity and good decision-making skills that come with recognizing that I have certain needs that are very basic, and that I hurt myself if I neglect or ignore those.

21. I am grateful that today was a good day, and that this doesn't mean that I will die tonight, but that I will wake up tomorrow, and have another chance to do good, right things. I know it will be a different day than today, but I can also make it a different kind of a good day.

22. I pray for his forgiveness, that I hurt him.

23. I pray for direction in life. I don't want to just float around. I want to have a target of which I am proud, so that I can be an arrow towards that target, and just fly like the wind.

24. I am grateful to know what is important enough to focus on, and

25. I pray to grow in awareness of those important things.

26. I am grateful for to-do lists.

27. I am grateful for my phone, but more than that, I am grateful that at times, I can turn the ringer off, and put it down.

28. I pray for his forgiveness.

29. I pray that I get my act together in terms of my health plan.

30. I am grateful for that sandwich from Lil' Guys.

31. I am grateful that though I was anxious about coming home, I told myself that I could just relax with it, and remember myself and the peace of today, and that I'd be able to be immune from it.

32. I am grateful that this worked, and that I have a hand in controlling my anxiety, to some degree.

33. I hope that I grow in this ability.

34. I am grateful that everything I wanted to bring fit in one huge bag.

35. I am grateful for a cab driver that was so chatty and animated that it made me think that if law of attraction is true, then I must be growing in health, to attract a cab driver like that, which is a great thing.

36. I pray for him.

37. I am grateful that I no longer think of R---, and that when I do, I am able to put his behavior in perspective.

38. I pray to be able to understand why I couldn't reconcile showing affection to her with having feelings for him.

39. I am grateful for the peace of mind that comes with feeling good about my life.

40. I am grateful for medication, and for an increase in medication.

41. I am grateful for people around me who are rooting for me.

42. I pray that feeling good doesn't mean complacency, or indolence.

43. I pray that I never have again have to go too far in order to know how far is too far.

44. I am grateful to understand the damage done when I don't express myself consistently, regardless of how the other person might react to it.

45. But even more than that, I am grateful to know that when something doesn't feel right, that I have a responsibility to move away from it, if I can't change it.

46. I am grateful for the Serenity Prayer.

47. I am grateful to know the amount of rage that I am capable of, and to let it out in a healthier, less-public way, next time.

48. I am grateful to understand, again, that when I lash out and hurt someone, I hurt myself, as well. I'd be willing to bet that I hurt myself more, actually.

49. I am grateful for attitude.

50. I am grateful to get tired.

51. I pray for more awareness of what I can change and what I cannot change.

52. I am grateful that I get to use good bath products tomorrow.

53. I am grateful for financial assistance from my mom.

54. I am grateful for repercussions.

55. I am grateful to hear my mom laugh.

56. I am grateful for her support and for her patience.

57. I am grateful for a really special meeting tonight.

I'm Gonna Make You Cry

WARNING: This piece contains adult themes, such as crying and masturbating. (Adults with the emotional age of) Children who have been allowed to participate in adult relationships are advised to see this, and we don't give a fuck if it's with or without an adult present, although we would suggest it so that someone can explain to you what is going on.

I'm gonna make you cry.

I'm gonna make you cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry some more.

I'm gonna make you cry,

and the next time you see my ass, you're gonna cry.

You're gonna wish you were going home with me and you're gonna wish you could get laid by me and you're going to wish that you could wake up to my sweet sleeping face and you're gonna wish that you could see my face again after that but you won't and you can't.

And you're gonna cry.

You're gonna cry about it.

You're gonna cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry until you run out of tears,

and then God is gonna find one more drop of water in your body and bring it up to your face, and then you are gonna cry some more.

You're gonna cry and cry and cry and cry and God is gonna suggest that you go get some Gatorade to replenish yourself and while you're at Walgreens you're gonna be so glad that you got out of the house, and that you got some fresh air, and you're gonna feel so proud for being so strong, but guess what as soon as you drink that orange Gatorade you're gonna cry some more, because even biology is on my side with this one and you're gonna cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry yourself to sleep and when you wake up you're gonna squeeze out some morning tears while you're thinking about me while you're laying there on your back, and you're gonna cry some sad baby crocodile tears, and while you're drinking your coffee, you may be able to hold back the tears, but guess what?

As soon as you get in the shower, you're gonna cry.

You're gonna feel the water on your face and it's gonna feel like your own hot tears and it's gonna remind you of crying and then you're gonna cry.

And then you're gonna cry some more.

And then you're gonna cry while you masturbate. You're gonna cry, while you masturbate, about me, in the shower. And you're going to think about how hot I am, and how you're never gonna find another girl like me, and how I was the best thing to ever happen to you, and how you can't get me back, and how you couldn't keep me, and how you're gonna be like this for a long, long, long time, and you're gonna masturbate about me, and while you're masturbating about me in the shower, you're gonna cry.

And guess what?

God wants you to cry.

God wants you to cry big, fat, juicy, salty-ass crocodile-ass tears because you were baaaaaaaaaadddd. You were soooo baaaaaaaaaddddd. You were so bad that you are gonna cry for 10 days straight and you are gonna lose 8 pounds from all the water weight going straight to your eyes and God's gonna clap his hands while He smokes a cigar in Heaven while you cry and cry and cry yourself to sleep.

You're gonna get out of the shower and you're gonna dry your face and you're gonna dry your tears that are mixed with shower-water and you're gonna feel good for about 47 seconds and then as soon as you brush your teeth and your face scrunches up into something like Cry Face, you're gonna cry some more, because it's gonna feel so good.

You're gonna cry about me as you brush your teeth.

You are gonna taste salty tears slip into your mouth and you're gonna taste the salt and the mint and you're gonna like it and you're gonna feel like a better person for crying, for crying into your mouth, into your toothpaste mouth, because it feels so good for you to cry, it feels so good for you to let it all out, let out all the stuff that you could never show and never feel and you're gonna feel like a really good guy.

But you're still gonna cry.

You're gonna cry.

I'm gonna make you cry.

Summit of what

This is nausea.

I prayed for clarity, and this is what arrives. Panic. Regret. Alarm. Sadness. Despair.

And a raw, uncooked, unaided climb up the mountain face to try to reach the summit.

The summit of what?

What is there a top of? It never ends, until it ends.

"Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness..."

cakewalk.

The door didn't give, initially.

I pushed against it and was instantly terrified that I would find her, crumpled on the floor.

This is what I've come to expect, on instinct.

To find a body, somewhere, when it doesn't seem to go right.

Which means that you have made it into my blood.

As I returned to bed last night, it hit me.

This is what I was spared.

Your dad took the hit for me on finding your body.

Because we ended, your father now has an image burned in his memory that would have otherwise been mine.

Had we stayed together - if things had gone the way I'd planned, and we'd been married - that would have been me.

And that's something I'm not sure I'd ever have been able to recover from.

Finding you, seeing you would have fortified the guilt, would have magnified it into something undeniable, irrefutable, inescapable to my mind.

It would have been the image.

That's what would have sealed me off.

It would have been me taking your limp body in my arms, and holding you, and crying over you, to no effect.

I was saved.

I was saved from hell in California by your death.

I was saved from an even greater grief when you left me, a year before.

The first loss of you was a great pain, but your death was the greatest pain.

And yet you saved me from something even worse.

And for that, for the gauntlet you have put me through, I must stop, and say thank you.

The priest had said, "Remember these stages of grief; the shock, the despair, the anger, the tears. Think about them as you're processing them, and write them down, so that when it happens again, you can be prepared."

When it happens again...

Your death is the benchmark against which all other pains will be measured.

Not this pain from that, and not that pain from this.

Not the loss of him, not the death of her, not the end of yet another, not the disappointment from yet another failed relationship...

It hurts, and I hate to think of those around me hurting, but I don't hurt as much, after you.

It is all a grazing.

A glimmer.

A deflection off the surface of my chest that doesn't get absorbed, except in the rare moments when it does, and then I am sick with grief.

And even then, it is a pin-drop in the deafening sound of your absence.

(But I'm also not asking for a challenge.)

For that, I must say thank you.

If I can survive your death, then everything else is a cakewalk.

She passed away this morning.

I'm concerned for my mom, and her pain hurts me, but the fact of it doesn't hurt.

Everything else compared to you is a cakewalk.

Beer and rockets

I loved you. I couldn't admit it. My actions proved this, and you know that. I don't know what you thought, but I know what you didn't think. But it's okay.

I want to rocket right out of the universe. I want to learn guitar, write songs, and become a rock star at local venues while I keep a day job. I want to be 60 years old with huge rolling waves in my hair and wear shiny sparkly swinging 50's party dresses and jeweled cowboy boots and play at cocktail lounges on a nostalgia tour. I want to sing until my voice runs dry and I want to give back all that I've perceived.

There is such an incredible energy when two spirits meet who operate on the same frequency. When that harmony doesn't exist, both of you can feel it, and it's a struggle. Yes, love can be work, but it actually isn't, at all. Not fucking at all.

It's nothing you can arrive at by thinking yourself to. It's something that would just happen naturally, like a force in the universe, written into its code, like gravity, or electromagnetism, or respiration, or mitosis. It would just happen. It is action, it is movement, it is a line drawn because one thing was done and another was not. This is how you can tell the nature of a person's character, and what, literally, comes out of them when squeezed, and what they are when at rest, and what they are when in motion.

I cannot fucking believe that two of them accused me of not having much going on, and used it as an excuse for their own behavior. Is it insecurity on their parts? Did they have their eyes closed to my situation? And why? Well, we all know why. For the past two years, I happen to have been in a period where I can't do much. Literally, am incapable. I have survival at hand. But this was all known on your part from the beginning. So the question I have for both of you is, why the FUCK did you waste my time? THAT'S on YOU. And you fucking know it.

I'm so sick of treating men as charity cases. Of silencing the best parts of myself to make them feel more at ease, more secure, more wanted, more attended to, more more more and all I became was less less less. "There are no victims, only volunteers." You're goddamned right about that. It's over. From now on, they can bend around me. I want to leave them all in the fucking dust.

The only reason you would ask "You're used to being the dominant one in a relationship, aren't you?" is because your last girlfriends were doormats. And you fucking know it. And that shit is on YOU.

Man, I love beer. I never, ever, ever used to drink it, I hated it, hated the taste, the feeling, everything. Now, I actually get thirsty for it. My AA friends would probably tell me to watch the eff out for that, but I'm cool. It's a great taste. I'm glad to have spontaneously developed it all of a damn sudden.

I went to my apartment tonight after having spent a few days at my mom's house. My place smelled...stale. Absent. Absent of me, of human life, of human breath, and human interaction in a basic manner: the smell of shampoo and shower gel having been wafted through steamy air; the absence of the smell of my perfume. It's sad, when people aren't around. This applies on so, so many levels. I miss my people.

(untitled)

I didn't choose the ones that I knew.

The ones that I chose I sought because I did not know, but I suspected, and I needed to be certain.

If I had chosen the ones that I knew, I would not now be here; I would be in a different place, and I would think a different thought, and I'd look back at the canvas and say, "I was wrong, and it is a good thing. I was wrong about them. I am so happy that I was wrong about my life."

But I pushed it all over the edge. I chose the uncertain; the unknown. Or really, the ones that I thought I could prove wrong. Every single one, every single time, I backed it up to the edge of the cliff, until I pushed it over. I was all wrong. And I was the same kind of wrong.

If it looks shaky, knock it over.

Now, nothing that was uncertain is left standing.

13 but so much more

1. i wish that i could co-star on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." that is a funny-ass show, even after non-stop viewings, whether drunk or sober, sad or happy, or anything in between.

2. after 15 years of indulgence in alcohol, as of yesterday evening, i've actually developed, all of a sudden, a taste for beer. it's good stuff. minus the gas.

3. i don't know what's going to happen. all i know is, you've gotta draw a line. unconditional love only hurts you, if you don't get it in return, as a condition.

4. i still wonder about that fucker. i don't know why. i wish i didn't. but i still do.

5. this is where specific, localized lobotomies get my two thumbs up. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy up.

6. "so filled... so filled for you!" is perhaps the funniest shit i've heard in, oh, a decade.

7. california is looking pretty good about now.

8. he's right. there may not be a lot going on. but that doesn't mean he's perfect.

9. and no, i'm not afraid to say that.

10. really? now? really?

11. if this were a decade ago, but i were still 29, i could totally see a pill addiction in my future.

12. i wish someone would watch that movie with me so we could have inside jokes with it together the way that he and i did. but no one will. big fucking boo-hoo. i'm serious.

13. i sure hope this internet lasts.