Monday, March 23, 2009

It Never Fails.

It's amazing: if I am unkind to myself, in thought, and in behavior, the whole world appears to be on the attack.  

If I am good to myself, I am able to see how much everyone around me is eager to do just that, even more.  

There is no way around it. 

I have somehow been surrounded by some of the most supportive and kind people imaginable. I don't know how this happened.  

This is a moment of gratitude.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I'm Faster Than Sharks, So, It's Not a Big Deal

It always begins with a choice, out of "nowhere", to pick up a movie, or a book, or a magazine, or go for a walk, or research an idea.

And today it happened at my doctor's office.  I turn to a magazine rack, and see an issue of "Outside" magazine, and Steve Nash is on the cover.  

Now, I don't follow sports, or really anything, except the scent of lotion, but I thought "Hm... Steve Nash.  I like the sound of his name.  I've heard this name somewhere." 

It's official.  I'm obsessed.  

Oh my.  Ok, I should go. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The First Step

... Is realizing this:

Life is work.

That's the purpose.  That's what we're here to do.  It's what we have to do.  There is no escaping, and you shouldn't want to escape it, even if you could.  This is the nature of reality. 

The second first step is:

Find something, anything, that makes me jump out of bed in the morning, ravenous, to chase down that thing, and make it mine. 

This was so huge, and it was such a phenomenal day for me, that I believe this is in order.

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

I was at a restaurant in downtown San Mateo one night with my boyfriend, and even though I didn't have to go to the powder room, I found myself leaving the table and making my way there, as if being pulled.  I walked downstairs to the restroom, and kind of, well, hung out in one of the stalls.  Thankfully no one else was there to witness me, not doing anything, in the bathroom.  Not that I'd want anyone to witness me doing something, but you know what I mean.  

So then it happens.  These two women come in, and one of them is talking about a friend of hers who recently adopted a child.  She mentioned something about the husband not being supportive, and how the wife had found a lot of help through this website called "The Courage to be You."  And then they left, and that was it. 

And when I went home, I got online and found this.  It was like revelation.  

Incidentally, there's a wombat involved. 

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A Prayer, in Questions.

I wrote this on 3.13.09, 10:41pm, and that night, and early the next morning, the dam broke.  

Are you what infuses all good things? 
Are you the love that chased me down this evening, that pursued my mind, that first offered me a vision of reading the Bible, and upon me rejecting it, refusing it, led me to pursue music, one song in particular, not letting me stop until I found it, and this song, leading me to these revelations?

The revelations being things that I have known before, and have somehow forgotten?  
That you are what infuses everything?
That you are determined to see me happy, and peaceful?
That it could all actually be as good and as easy as what you offer us, which is, that you take all the bad things out of our minds? 
That I have to actually believe what other people say, because if I don't, I'm stuck in my own hell, unable to move past what I coldly don't want to believe, which are all of the things I've just written, elsewhere?
That all the bad things I've done are, as the song says, on the ocean floor? 
That my neglect of the one person I loved more than anyone, as much as it hurts, as much as it hurts more to let go of the guilt, if I choose to believe you, it's actually not something that is mine to even hang onto?  

Sunday, March 15, 2009

From Paris to Democracy, with Love.

The movie "Before Sunset" kills me.  Just kills me.  I don't know that I could identify more fully, in every way, with a character, so much so that it pains me to see so much of myself reflected onscreen, and realize that I felt that way for so long, and am only now coming out of it, that being, the mindset that there can be no resolution for my life, as lovely as what happens for her, at the end of the film: to end up, by chance, with her true love.

I know: it's art. 
I know: it's fictional.
But it could be real. 

It leaves me to question myself:  where did it all go?  Where did all the romance, all the passion, all the risk, all the defiance, all the rebelliousness, all the fearlessness I used to act on, with abandon, where did it all go?  

Did I cash in all my grand gestures?  Was I only good for about five, anyway? 

Did I abandon that way of living because I doubt everything I do now?  And where did that doubt come from so I can chase down the source and just annihilate it?  Is it judgment I harshly passed on myself?  Did I forget that life is fully about making mistakes?  That it doesn't mean anything unless you do?  Sometimes twice?  Often more than that?  More importantly, where does that doubting end?  

And it's not just me: does no one write the letter, miss the airplane, fly across the country, show up at the doorstep, walk away from the table, lean in for the kiss, reach for the hand that will change it all?  Does no one make it known, make it known, make it known?  Or is it just me?    

Is it because I run from things?  Am I perhaps running from the right things? 
Is it because I don't know what to do with goodness?  As if it's a language I cannot speak, and yet I believe it to contain something I deeply, deeply fear?

Is it because, rather than change myself or my circumstances, I instead adapt my desires and beliefs to those circumstances?  Tricking myself into wanting what I have, because that's so, so much easier than going after what I want?  (Can I blame Sheryl Crow's "Soak up the Sun" for that?  Is there some sort of royalties thing we can work out, cuz, you know, I feel like I deserve some compensation....)  Have I based my life on pop culture sound bites and song lyrics that were constructed, not in truth, but because they neatly fall into a hook?

By risking nothing, what am I gaining?  
By being safe, and venturing nothing forth, aren't I securing only one outcome: mediocrity? 
Or another: disappointment?  

I see someone chasing down their destiny and their dreams, and I feel a deep uneasiness in my heart.  It's guilt.  It's a voice that says, very, very quietly, and somehow, wordlessly, I could be doing that.  I should be trying that, too.  Why?  Only because, it's what I want

Saw a great movie the other day about this.  "School for Scoundrels".  Billy Bob Thornton to a class of self-described weenies: 
   "When was the last time you screamed for anything?  When you wanted the t-t!  You're not willing to scream for anything anymore!"

"You risk nothing, you gain nothing." 
"Who dares, wins." 

These are ideas and urgings that I've pinned to my heart for the last 15 years.  
And what do I have to show for them?  Not enough.  Some grand gestures, some fatal flaws, some very funny stories, because that's all you can do about it, really, is laugh.  

But it's not enough.  

I wonder that I'd prefer a thousand fleeting relationships, for the next twenty years, than to end up eating dinner across from someone whom I no longer speak to, when I'm 80, but whom I am tied to, in some huge, insurmountable, exhausted way, when the best parts of me are things I gave up on years ago, and that no one would be interested in, at that point, anyway. 

I don't know what I'm cut out for.  

I'm more afraid that I won't find out.  

Is it being a girl? 
Am I fundamentally missing some chemical, some chromosome, that enables me to just reach out and grab it? 

Am I missing the "hunter" instinct?

Is there anyway to pierce through this?  
How do you change your nature, when you're not sure what your nature is?

I think about men and women and the fundamental differences between us that are largely biological, and after that, social, cultural, etc.  This is what I cannot deny, no matter how hard I've tried, and people, it's been a nearly 15 year attempt:  women, or really, girls, receive their reality.  We do.  We are not pushed forward to stake a claim on anything, nor to hunt anything down, but rather, we are instructed, and we often "wait" for others to come to us with "it", whatever "it" may be.  What does this do?  Well, we spend the rest of our lives, doing just that: waiting.  For what?  We barely probably know, but we're pretty sure it's all gonna get solved when it arrives.  Or when we're told.  Or, when someone makes the choice for us.   We are lost unless someone tells us what it's all about.  If this is what it means to be a princess, you can have it.  And you can bite it, too. 

Men determine their reality.  Even if they have to accept certain parts of it, nothing, at all, about them, waits at home for it.  Or waits on the sidelines for it.  Or, waits until the girl arrives, to share it with them.   Or has someone else make the choice for them.  

It is completely psychotic to instill in another human being that A) they shouldn't take risks cause there are somethings they just might not recover from.  How is this learned?  By preventing girls from scaling jungle gyms at the age of 2.  Don't laugh, and don't deny it, people.  It also comes from judging their choices.  B) That for whatever reason, they cannot make a wise decision on their own, and will always, always require other's input - usually, unsound input - to make a choice.  It's not that more people equals more wisdom; it's that we don't know how to think.  We've never had the opportunity.  We're used to others doing it for us.  By this token, democratic processes are inherently the feminization of politics, and I would argue, it's both the saving grace and the wrecking ball of civilization.  But that's another discussion for another day.   

So, I'm challenging myself:  
What am I going to do about it?  

Because I can't change anything else unless I change myself, first.

What's the plan, Jess? 

And more importantly,  what's your first step? 

I Am Waiting For You

She gave me very wise advice, which I didn't realize I'd been waiting a year and a month to hear:

"Men are able to store all their emotions into little tiny boxes.  And they can reach in and open one box and let out one emotion at a time.  

Women, on the other hand, are one big box, open all the time.  What we need to learn to do, without changing out essence, is to be able to put our emotions in little boxes, and know when to reach in and pull them out.

What you need to do is put him in a box.  You have got to start thinking about him with a smile on your face.  You need to be able to put him in that box and pull it out every once in a while, because you can't be living this way.  It's no way to live.  You have to smile when you think of him."

On Saturday, I did. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Ooh, Was I Not S'posed to Touch That?

A conversation in text, that I just re-read.  

Apr 23, 2008  8:30 am

me:  So, what do I do about the fact that I am concerned about the aesthetic and cultural fate of the Playboy publishing empire once Hugh Hefner passes?
Also, if Christ's mission was forgiveness, do you think this includes sympathy and compassion for Satan?  Or does the devil exist outside of the sphere which Jesus circumscribes?

Apr 23, 2008  9:24 am

friend: Are you for serious with all that?

me:  Yes.  Why wouldn't I be?

friend:  It's too early for that kind of talk.

My friends, it's never too early for this kind of talk!: once coffee and dignity set in, all the fun stuff goes away.  Am I right?, or am I right?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Don't You Agree ?!/ He Was Totally Crazy!.

I met a friend for Thai food and as we ate spring rolls I told him about the idea I'd had that morning: 

"It would take you places words just can't reach, you know?"

"Gimme an example."

"Ok... 'I can't believe you said that !/, and yet, I can totally see you saying that.'  Cuz sometimes you want to exclaim something!, but not have it be the end of your statement, and so you use the comma to show continuation, but you keep the bar of the exclamation point, and you've got a perfect combination of the two.  There are two sentiments to be expressed that can be syntaxically (?) correct.  It should be a commexclamation.  It's about correctly signaling emotion.  Regular keyboards would have to be reprogrammed, but you know, --it happens.  Oh, and then there was 'starcasm', cuz there's nothing to really translate that without tone of voice!, but you know, you can't get that out of a book."

"...(nods his head slowly, in agreement)...I think we could start a movement."

" *Um*,  (?!)/ I just did."

Actually, ......

This makes me happy.

Monday, March 9, 2009

In the beginning...

I am constantly struck by the power of thought.

It is said that we create our lives with our feelings, ideas, thoughts, and prayers.  

I'm a firm believer that each thought we have forms our futures: our future feelings, our future physical environments, our future thoughts, not to mention, our future desires.   I know this because I experience it, but if I didn't, I'd still be inclined, because of what I see is capable from the ideas and desires common to all people.  

I wonder if anything exogenous actually makes its way into our little worlds, or if, from conception, we design it all...

I am obsessed with understanding and finding the answers to certain questions that seem to grow in kind for me, and not dissipate, neither in intensity nor in frequency.  
What type of power(s) do human beings actually have?  What is the nature of this power?  Where does it stem from?   Can we grow it and shape it, and thus, shape our futures, and even our future physical and mental abilities?  Or is there ultimately a limit on what we can do?  What is God, is it knowable, is it communicable, and does everyone experience it in the same way?  Are we subject to each other's will and desire?  Can someone be freed from this, if we are so contained?  How do you properly pray?  And why is prayer seemingly only sometimes effective?  What does it mean if you are thinking something and the person you are with voices your thoughts?   Can you create desire for yourself in terms of your purpose in life, be it transient or static?  What does emotion have to do with all of it?  

Could anyone of us be Jesus Christ, and not be aware of it?  

With all the elements of life that seem to seek out our conformity, our mediocrity, and our apathy, what, in life, can definitely charge us all up?  What can touch every single person's life equally?  Can you save a life?  What are the repercussions of being irrationally spiritual or religious, if we can attribute actual progress, morally and scientifically, to rational thought?  If the Ten Commandments are rationally attributable, why is there nothing against rape, or slavery, or child abuse?  

So in an attempt to answer these questions and share my findings, revelations, and insights both revealed and extracted, I begin this journey and hope to clear out darkness and uncertainty, in small, but hopefully meaningful, steps.  I love contribution to these questions and I am eager to see the threads that interweave us all emerge from under the veil, and glisten with movement in the light.