The Pure That's Left

1. I'm trying to see things from your point of view. And then I'm trying to view things from a better version of my own point of view. You know what I'm left with? A gold mine. You can't take any more credit for this than I can, because we were born to do this. Our actions were present at our birth. Every single one of us. We were all seeds, growing together, and all the grounds and nutrients and rains and sunshine and storms and even animal urine, everything that is happening was meant to happen, meant to influence. There were indications along the way, and we chose to see what we wanted, and to ignore what we wanted. I don't want to ignore any more. I choose to see.

3. We're no longer looking together. And that's totally fine.

4. It's funny to me that guys I've dated previously, actually provided more warning for me about their successors, than the successors themselves. They weren't aware that they were doing this. I am grateful for this. After it's all been burned away, this is the pure that remains.

5. I've been wrong before. I'm going to be wrong again. I'm grateful. Because if I were always right.... man, that would be a BAAADDDDD thing.

6. The rubber bands are headed in the right direction.

7. We are attracted to people and to things. If we don't think about why, and we then we keep coming up against the same problems. Thinking. Thinking and reflecting, critically. I need to learn more about how to do this well. I'm sick of not learning the same lessons, so, I'm drawing the line in the sand.

8. We honor ourselves and others when we practice what we know is true. When we discard it, everyone suffers a huge, huge pain in the ass.

9. But... God is great because Life takes that pain in the ass, and creates a hemorrhoid cream, that requires a plant, and employees, to gain wages, manufacturing that cream. So, there, hemorrhoids. BOOM. Done. Talk about making lemonade out of assholes.

10. It was fun, actually, for a little while. Because I don't do drugs, and because I love to distort my consciousness, getting the world to revolve completely around you, though no small feat, was a really cool way to view things for a bit. I reached heights and depths that... no average human, I think, would be willing to spend their time and energy on. It's obvious to me, from this, that a) I actually have happiness to spare, because I'm so ready to take on, temporarily, a lot of sadness and pain, as if it's like, extra dishes to wash or books to carry, and b) I obviously have a lot of fight in me. Maybe I wasn't too far off on that whole joining the Marines thing....

11. I appreciate your presence in my life for what it was. But to be honest, I brought this on myself. You didn't ask for any of this; I obviously knew, deep down, that I needed to walk this path. You were an innocent bystander, so, I'm glad that you've been able to walk away from this pretty unscathed. It's better that you had such a low tolerance, otherwise, this might have affected you negatively. But back to me. (haha). I am glad you were persistent. I am glad that I caved and decided to take you up. God was eagerly rubbing his hands together at that point, saying "okay, I think she's ready to be honest with herself. I think she's ready to be cool."

12. I think this really was all about the fact that I need a better job.

I need a title

1. "Phew. --For a minute there, I lost myself."

2. The truth? The truth is, it has to revolve around me.

3. Sink or swim. You judge yourself on how you're swimming? You're going to fucking drown. Just. fucking. swim.

4. "Are you a man or are you a bag of sand?"

5. We'll never know, and that's the fucking point.

6. God is a huge child with the most established sense of humor in the universe. S/he doesn't want to be found, but s/he wants to be sought, and wants us to do this with all our might. S/he hides in tall grasses and leaps out at us from our conscience. When you think you have your hand on it ---

7. What were we talking about?

8. You need something soft from one side and something hard from the other side. If you have too much of either, you get crushed or you don't form. It's a fine balance, but, tell me, who has ever perfectly achieved that balance?

9. God would answer, "Everyone, and no one. Now let's go play outside."

10. It's time to put this to bed.

It's a Dull Knife, But It's Still a Knife.

1. I'm doing all of this because I want the thing that I want.... and, I'm not getting it. I'm sorry, but what is the point, if there's no reward? Fucking goal-oriented - this is bullshit.

2. I'm still trying to control the situation, and I can tell, because I keep shrugging off suggestions from people around me. I hear people say "Sanity is my higher power." "Sobriety is my higher power." "Rationality is my higher power." "The people in these rooms are my higher power." Well, here's the problem I'm having: I once said "I must be God, some form of God, because, every event in my life, originated from a thought or a desire I've had. I don't remember creating the universe, so, I'm not taking credit for that. But I felt a desire to do _____, and then, I did ______. Did I start my own life? I honestly don't know the answer to that question. Have I caused much of my own happiness? And misery? Yes, yes. Have I said 'I want this' and gotten it? Yes. Maybe this is just life, just being human. Maybe being human is something more than we think. Do you see the problem here? Where is the floor upon which I rest my feet? There is none. The only things that ground me lately are the prayer 'Your will, not mine', and a tiny, weighted statue of a Hindu monk, in Lotus position, holding a cup of water in his hands, his eyes closed. It's heavy. And I carry it around because it's my totem, like from Inception. The weight of it, reminds me to keep my feet on the ground. But it also reminds me that if I'm not able to go through the particular doorway that I had thought I could, then, there's still good reasons to continue down this road, of trying to maybe not make sense of it all, but, at least, to get out of my own way. I don't know anymore. I'm in a sandstorm of my thoughts and beliefs and they're all blinding me, and one prayer and one little statue - I'm apparently now an idolator, too - are what are grounding me to Earth, like a wire.

3. As I'm writing the paragraph above, a woman calls my work and her name is spelled "Jain", which, I find interesting, and which I know is a form of Hinduism. I look up Jainism on Wikipedia: Jainism is a form of Hinduism that opposes violence. I read further: "According to Advaita Vedanta, the attainment of liberation coincides with the the realization of the Atman (one's personal soul) that it is identical with the Brahman, the source of all spiritual and phenomenal existence." Hm. / see what I mean?

4. I don't know if focusing, or not focusing, brings something to fruition. And I can't help but to think of it, all. the. time. I try to get it out of my head, and I can't. You're in there, whether I like it or not. And mostly it's guilt, but it's also a lot of memories.... but it's fading. There's no you, to reiterate yourself to me, and, I hate that. I search for you, and I cannot find you, and my world is very, very dry, and I've stopped looking in what I know are empty wells, trying to find the water that I thought you were. This feels like a curse.

5. The truth is, even if you came back, it wouldn't matter. I have no self-respect. Literally, none. I laid aside every single one of my standards by the end. There was no barometer by which to even calculate meaning, between you and I. Not at the beginning, and absolutely not at the end. The only thing that I can count for truth are, were, my motivations, about which I came clean, and which, I now regret sending you. Why? Because you didn't ask.

6. The truth is, even if you came back, it wouldn't matter, because I don't know what health looks like. I don't know what a normal life, or a normal relationship, with health, with love, with communication - i.e., talking, in bed, at night - with boundaries, looks like. I don't. This is why I am, or someone else is, always frustrated, and whoever isn't, is clearly taking advantage, or being taken advantage of, by the other.

7. The truth is, family doesn't leave. And if they do, you can tell that they're family, because even when they're away, they're always right there.

8. The truth is, I have never, literally, never known what I was doing - I only acted like I did. I saw people in life, or on tv, going to stores and kissing faces and reading books and laying down silverware, and I imitated it, without having any knowledge of the meaning, or the content, or the motivation behind it. It was like trampling through a movie set and thinking what I did had any impact, at all. If I did know what I was doing, that has surely been turned upside down and inside out. If you think I'm being dramatic, a) fuck you, and b) find a way inside my head, and you'll be begging for a gun.

9. I was right about how I saw the movie. If I keep reaching out to you, all I'm doing is standing there, staring at my crushed, amputated arm, crying over the fact that I had to cut it off, crying over the fact that I wish it were still on my body, crying over the fact that the rock had ever crushed it, begging it to come back, pleading with it, trying to reason with it, trying to distort reality just to convince it to move, as if it could be convinced, as if it could be moved. All this trying, and crying, when I was the one to cut it off. I didn't know the tendons I was capable of snapping. You can't reason with a rock, you can't out-argue a rock. It operates on nothing except it's own gravity. Well, me and the rock? We fell together. In a sense, we both chose to get stuck. Instead of crying over the fact that I freed myself, what I need to be doing, is thanking fucking God that I had the balls to cut myself free, and then to be cut free, because at this point, it doesn't matter how it happened, just that it happened. What I need to be doing, instead of standing there, begging the rock to move itself out of its very settled position between a wall and my amputated hand, is to get the fuck out of here as soon as I can and remember that I was lucky enough to have the luxury of cutting off a limb to save my life.

10. I was right about how I saw the movie. There's a reality that I'm going to bring to life, and every. single. thing. I can see, for miles, for years ahead, in every single direction, no matter how much I think I could outsmart it, everything in life says that there's no fucking way that what's inside my heart, what I am seeing with a different set of eyes, could ever, ever come to pass. Reality is that there is a prison, and I am inside that prison, and I've got to be both the attorney fighting that sentence, and the convict dutifully carrying out this sentence, until I learn to not only believe in my innocence, but to be smart enough, savvy enough, educated enough, and determined enough to either fight my way out, or to break my way out.

11. They should have let me date as a kid. Sex, love, hormones, drugs, all of it is simply as prevalent as air. Any parent who thinks otherwise is living in a fucking fantasy world. If they had let me date, let me have boys around when I was young, this wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't be writing this, right now. By trying to protect, they were hurting. I'd be doing something incredibly different and you probably wouldn't know who I am, and my focus would be on so, so much else. But I am here, because things went the way they did. Because I wasn't taught, because people were afraid, and thought it better to deny the inevitable, i.e., reality, than to invite it in, learn about it, model a behavior towards it, show the love and understanding of it, decrease the fear of it, increase the education of it, and thus, establish the power OVER it, so that it wouldn't have overpowered ME. Because I wasn't taught. I was totally, unashamedly, unprotected. They may as well have thrown me to the fucking wolves. For that, everyone before me, before them, I suppose, is to blame. But that doesn't do shit for my situation. So what do I have to do? I have to be parent, child, and adult processing all this, to myself. I deserve the fucking Nobel for this shit. And yes, fuck you, I am going to take a self-righteous attitude about it. But I'm going to do it. Fuck you and fuck me if either of us thinks that I can't change. I'm not here to prove either of us right.

12. The dog days are over, and if they're not, I'm not stopping until they're fucking chased away with fire and knives.

13. Give me truth or give me death.

14. I know exactly how I lost my conscience, and I know exactly why this led to me losing my mind. I know that I'm not out of the woods yet. But bit by bit, row by row, .....

15. I never wanted them, I never wanted it. When you came along, these ideas wrapped themselves around me so slowly, so gracefully, I didn't even notice. And then when I did notice, I burned it all down. Why? Because of everything above this line on this page. I felt a pang in my stomach a few minutes ago and I imagined it was you reading this, and taking it personally, and being hurt by it, by me, again. I don't know what's more sad - that you were hurt by me, and I could feel it, or that I imagined this, and you haven't even read this, at all.

16. If I can't find purpose enough in myself, and I destroyed the chance of finding purpose in you, then I find purpose in those who don't yet exist.

untitled

1. If you look for it, you're going to find it. Even if it's not there.

2. I have a hard time setting books on the floor.

3. Gravitation, electromagnetism, weak interaction and strong interaction are our primary Commitments to God that we'll stick around to learn some lessons on Earth. The Four Agreements are the best way to operate given those initial Commitments. Funny how there are four, and Four. I'm not dumb, you know.

4. If you bring it up, they'll follow it up. We're all the leader in every given circumstance. Why?

5. Because of the Principle of Certainty. Nietzsche was wrong; it's not the Will to Power, because it's not necessarily about domination for the sake of domination. Most of the time, someone's desire, or their happiness, is the strongest thing for miles, and when we see certainty with such weight to it, we latch onto and agree to that, unless ours is stronger. The bitch of it is, when you don't realize that you're not having the fun you're supposed to be having.

6. Playboy Philosopher Bunny. Not King.

7. Forgiveness is, "I see how you went wrong. I know you didn't know what you were doing. I disagree with what you did, and I can stand here, next to you, and be with you, even while I disagree with you. I don't have to leave." But sometimes, you have to leave. We're human, we can only take so much.

8. It's a tough thing, realizing you're Ray Porter, when you're so used to being the Mirabelle.

9. Walking in Faith, not in sight.

10. If you're being honest, then all of it is Church. The most attractive thing is to be able to say "I'm broken in half for these reasons" because if you're not aware, then you're not conscious.

11. Beauty is humility, hope, and faith, even if you're not sure what you're hoping for. It's the perfect triangle. It's the strongest bond. Why? Because it permits all things to be possible. It's by saying "I KNOW" that you lose out on vast quantities and qualities of life.

12.

Keep The Talent Happy

I don't know what to do.

I could actually feel, at the most intense moments, when I was most conscious of the loss of you, and of my hand in that loss, and my guilt over it, of destroying my own happiness, that with every word I wrote to you, trying to get you back, I was pushing you further away. My desire felt like one edge of the sword, and your best interest felt like the other. I can no longer believe that this is true. I want to be on your side.

It's been weeks, and I still wake up every morning, and you are the first thing on my mind. The next thing I think is, "where are you?"

My day is a multi-dimensional graph, with every possible truth value representing a line, and every day, I hit every single point on that graph, sometimes twice or three times. Every point, every intersection is a set of possibilities: that you still care, that you still want to be with me, but that you cannot because you have been hurt by me too much. That you care, but that I caused too much damage, but that in a few months, it could happen for us again. That you don't care now, but that you did, but you cannot now. That you cared, but because I couldn't see it, there is no chance for the future. That I was totally alone in all of this. That I was not alone in all of this, but because I couldn't appreciate you the way you deserved, because you are a gem, you must move forward, without me. That even though I apologized, you still cannot go forward. That you can go forward, but because I haven't tried enough, you are, every day, moving away from me. That if I leave it all alone, it'll come back. That if I don't fight for you, I'll lose you forever. That if I leave it all alone, it'll come back. That if I don't fight for you, and tell you I was wrong and you were right, I'll lose you forever. That if I leave it all alone, it'll come back.

I read something by Dostoevksy once: "What is hell? The inability to love." He's right. But I've also come to realize that Hell is actually just uncertainty. It's not having a grounding point, a foundation, against which to measure all other things. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm asking to be saved. I don't know what to measure anything against, and because I've trusted myself for so long, it's unbelievably uncomfortable to rely on God to do what is right. It lasts a few minutes, and then I forget it all, reality comes in and argues against me. I write out a few ideas that I have to MAKE true, that I have to MAKE a reality out of, because if I don't, then I've got nothing.

1. Miracles are happening all the time, all around me.
2. I am the miracle, and I am taking place right now.
3. God is in control. Do you think God is worried? Then why are you?
4. Anything is possible.

The thing I love most about you is the line you draw in the sand. But I cannot stomach the idea that I'm forever on the wrong side of that line. And I don't know what to do about that. I only know how to fight in one way: by taking action, with words. By arguing for what is right, against what was wrong.

"I love you... my responsibility has found a place beside you." This is what you are to me. This is what you represent. You are the call to Jesus, if you will. You are the rock against which I've come to measure pretty much everything; and you've done this, without trying. This is you, naturally. For months, I've been arguing against it, against this possibility, that one person could refute so much of everything I've thought, my whole life, and represents everything I've hoped for, my whole life; everything I've denied, and everything I've secretly hoped is true. I pushed it all away, I pushed you away, and I know now, what a mistake it was, to fight against my own happiness. Life doesn't like it. My life doesn't like it, without you.

"My responsibility has found a place beside you".

And now,

"Put your little hand in mine..."

It's not too late to change your mind.

It's Time.

This is the only thing I know how to do.

It's been a week of non-stop nausea. I'm sure I've lost weight and for once I don't care.

When I'm slow, and deliberate, I can say the truth. This is the version of me that I respect; this is the girl that I've wanted to be, the girl inside of me that stands for something even more solid and profound than my mind ever could recognize. This is the one you cannot fuck with. This is the girl you should fear. She's been a long time in the making.

It's something even better than I could have imagined. I don't think it's too late. I think it's right on time, it had to be now, it had to happen this way or it would maybe never happen at all... this is the storybook of my life, this is where the roller-coaster hit the top and it's all downhill from here, nausea included. This is where the wings are built, they are built on the way down. This is how you fly: not by leaping up and soaring, but by cliff-jumping.

I keep saying "your will, not mine. your will, your peace, your security, not mine." I'm not sure any of what I do now, since such prayers, is right. I don't know that it aligns. All I know is that it's not going to be perfect; it can never be perfect. I'll fight the best way I know how, and if there's no one else out on that field, then I'll go home. And I'll also learn how to not fight those closest to me.

It's what I've suspected, forever: that if it's comfortable, it'll do you in. "I encourage you to sit with what's uncomfortable," she said. Only I couldn't listen. This is a new kind of learning. Or really, this is learning, for the first time.

You could still ignore me.

You could still shut me out. That's that, then, I suppose. I had to try. I had to tell you that you were not alone, that you were there the whole time, that I was the one who couldn't see. I was too afraid. It's a radical way to look at things, but then again, what in life is not radical? What is it that doesn't deserve a miracle? The problem is when you're too stuck in your pain to realize that you've been forgiven all along. Vision, I am relearning. I don't think it's too late, I think it's right on time.

outside the pen

((((..."love, don't cry"...)))

if i face myself, as another,

it is even more an animal

outside of the pen

if i make myself proud about you,

you could move away from me.

the difference is i don't know.

(hush

because i'm too scared to ask)))))))).

i'm too smart for this, in life:

i have only learned a love

the way i am to you...

pay no attention

how you are to me

this is inconstant

it's not a tongue i understand

if you go because of me,

then do i suffer, so that

you are well enough to stay?

(((((knowing full well you are

one thing i do not get

and i get that i do not know)))

this is the sadness, always

and if it is not there,

i will force it in

where the skin is not broke

can you topple that?

i cannot lead

i can't even

this

sentence

I have learned

by the leaving of you

that it is to,

in your absence

find the point

in a sea of softness

and weak

(there can be no point found)>>>>>

i have evaporated

every new event

registering

blows the dust of me

off the table

i didn't feel the sadness with you

this is why i think

you'll stay

(forgive me

this is a day

too cut

around the edges

and too many shards

smashed together

in one match-box